[python] an expression for every occasion

The thing with Monty Python was that they really did have an expression for every occasion. See how you go with these:

1] You've just broken your best piece of china, best cup et al, you sit down, rocking back and forth, moaning: "I've ... broken it, I've ... broken it …" Which Python character?

2] You're rejected by a potential lover, social security, the visa office et al, you pause, sigh and deliver: "Yes, well that's the blinkered, philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome, spotty behinds …" Which sketch ?

3] You appear unexpectedly and someone says: "Oh, we weren't expecting you so early today," to which you reply, in a silly, high-pitched voice: "No-body was expecting me so early today." Sketch?

4] Someone mentions he or she is bored and you reply: "For [insert person's name], this was not to be the start of any trail of events which would not, in no time at all, involve him [or her] in neither a tangled knot of suspicion, nor any web of lies, which would, had he [or she] been involved, surely have led him [or her] to no other place than the central criminal court of the Old Bailey!" Who was the insurance company file clerk originally lampooned?

5] Some blogger is writing about a world issue he's worried about and you reply, in the comments section: "I'm so worried about the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow." Song? And which Python sang it?

The essential problem with Pythonizing your speech is that when you and your wife go to buy a mattress, you start asking for the Comfy-down Majorette dog kennel. This can result in the shop assistant putting a bucket over his head.

Don't say you haven't been warned.

Answers: D.P. Gumby, the Architect sketch, the Spanish Inquisition, Ralph Mellish and Terry Jones