NUCLEAR WASTE SPRING BOARD MEETING
[Certified transcript of meeting]
Dr. B. John Garlic, Chair
Dr. Ronald Ratpoison
Dr. Mark Abcess
Dr. U.N. Cleremus
Dr. George Horngetter
Paul Ronald
[Foreword by James Higham: If you see anything remotely humorous in this, stop it immediately! All the eco-gobbledegook in this post was actually genuine, not one word in any eco-sequence was altered and so no one has any right to find anything amusing! The complete text can be read by going here, then clicking on May 15, 2007 Transcript. The rest of the jargon came from this post.]
8:00 a.m.
Garlic: Good morning.
As you know, our custom is to introduce the Board members individually. We're going to depart from that process a little today, a bit of value-add with no bells and whistles and announce that we have gone to a little different practice here. I would like to at least allow you to be able to match the face with the name but I'm not gonna.
[Interruption]: I'm sorry but that's not altogether user friendly, is it?
Garlic: Er - can you identify yourself please.
Ronald: Paul Ronald, geophysics consultant, Warburg Drill Rigs International. Gentlemen, wouldn't it in fact be more efficacious to run the presentations first, then the questions?
Horngetter: George Horngetter, John, Board, Paul, I think you have to remember here, Paul, to think outside the box, to stretch the envelope, to interface with unknown paradigms, to -
Garlic: Thanks, George. So, to continue, after pre-morning-tea cocktails, we will have a presentation on the waste streams that might be generated by our little idea. And, following the mid-morning break, we will have a presentation on waste package design and prototype development, and then lunch in the Swamp Pit. An update on probabilistic volcanic hazards will follow in the early afternoon.
And now to the win-win total solution to the old dilemma - disposal of nuclear waste. I would like to recognize one distinguished group that’s with us today, and that’s the Advisory Committee on Nuclear Waste, which I understand is now the Advisory Committee on Nuclear Waste and Materials, an important distinction, so we congratulate the Committee for its complete bamboozling of the green lobby. Over to you, Ronald.
Ratpoison: Ronald Ratpoison, John, George, Board, Paul. The TAD canister system could improve facility throughput at the repository. However, as we have pointed out in our letter, in our reports, the success of TADs is very dependent on such uncertainties as the actual startup date of the repository, postclosure performance, and sometimes unknown degrees of conservatism and whether any money is actually available for this gobbledegook -
Abcess: Mark Abcess, Ronald, John, George, Board, Paul, are we referring here to some sort of rectal probe?
Garlic [intervening]: After afternoon snifters, Mark. Not now. Please continue, Ronald.
Ratpoison: As you know, we're 110% results-focused here and sometimes that necessitates solutions out of the loop. At the end of the day, we're talking big bikkies, so here's the game plan. We've contracted two B52 Stratofortresses to drop five XCV18, ground penetrating peaceful purposes over northern
Ronald: Dr. Ratpoison, are you aware that there are layers of basalt at the eastern end of that geological shelf to
Ratpoison: Well, that's where you're wrong, buddy. Our preliminary feasibility study indicates the location of future events by the inverse of their age, and the volume of those events being a really strong discriminator, and the larger events, the future events will be closer to the larger. And, so, there was examining the potential influence of different weights on those alternatives and we looked at the whole dual porosity system and so we decided to drop the f---ers.
Ronald: I'm sorry, gentlemen but are you aware of the magnitude of the risk and are you satisfied with the level of risk assessment?
Ratpoison: Yes, because these are not directly assessed. These are the product of a series of assessments.
Ronald: And, where was the last one again?
Ratpoison: Ballpark? About 80,000 years ago.
Ronald: Where?
Ratpoison: Near Sharzi.
Ronald: And, there was like a -
Ratpoison: Yes, volcano.
Ronald: Discovery Channel volcano?
Garlic: Gentlemen, enough, we're going to put this one to bed.
Abcess: Mark Abcess, Ronald, John, George, Board, Paul, are we referring here to some sort of rectal probe?
Horngetter [muttering]: We need some thought leadership here, some total quality, we need ticks in boxes -
Garlic: George, that's enough -
Slicker [interrupting]: City U. N. Slicker, Mark, Ronald, John, Paul, George, Ringo, Board, physically, what does dual porosity system mean? What does that mean, physically?
Garlic: City, the Chair did not call you.
Slicker: How can a chair call you, John?
Garlic [flustered]: Get on with it then.
Cleremus: U.N. Cleremus, City, Mark, Ronald, John, Paul, George, Ringo, Board, if I may answer this one? [Garlic and Ratpoison nod] Okay. Yes, dual porosity system is a system that has basically porosity that’s flowing, and porosity that’s full of water, but not flowing. So, essentially, the flowing porosity is your primary porosity for transporting the stagnant porosity, or what’s often referred to as the secondary porosity, is porosity that is in mass transfer communication by diffusion with the primary porosity, but it’s not actually flowing. So, it’s essentially acting as a storage porosity that tracers or contaminants can diffuse into surfaces in that porosity, and then they have to diffuse back out of the porosity.
Abcess: Mark Abcess, Uncle, City, Mark, Ronald, John, Paul, George, Ringo, Board, are we referring here to some sort of rectal lubrication?
Garlic: That's clear, Uncle. Er - I may call you Uncle, no?
Cleremus [smiling] Everyone does. That and other things.
Ronald: I'm sorry, gentlemen, I'm not satisfied with this explanation. There's been next to no feasibility study done, a dubious entity with military connections has been called in and all you seem interested in is gobbledegook and cocktails.
Horngetter [apoplectic]: Well, if you don't mind, buddy. Now listen up. What we're on about here is touching base, closing the loop, pushing the hot button, guesstimating, buddy, placing implicit faith in the key players, developing killer abs, focusing collectively as a group, teamwork and transparency, don't you see any of that? These gentlemen here today are the benchmark and it's a slippery slope once you start this lefto-liberal eco-speak -
Ronald [quietly]: Dr. Cleremus, what, in fact, is the probability of a volcanic eruption?
Cleremus: Well, Paul, using only quaternary centers as in this case, or the Pliocene only, or the combination of the two, especially on Fridays, it’s an extremely low probability.
Garlic [hurriedly]: Okay, any other questions? Board? Staff? Audience? Okay, well, thank you very much. I also want to thank everyone today. We did an excellent job of conforming to the 50 percent rule, 50 percent gobbledegook time, and 50 percent question time. And, we got done on time too, and we appreciate that very much. And, unless somebody has an announcement or wants to make a comment, I think we are in a position to adjourn to the bar.
[Wild applause]
Ha, they can adjourn to the bar where they can get some real work done.
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