[lies] it's not easy telling the truth

Just as it's impossible to go out on the road without breaching some law, even going ten kilometres an hour over the limit in passing another car, so it's impossible not to lie. There are always going to be circumstances where it will happen.

Even generally honest men or women will be forced into lies at some point, for example, when their child is accused of a crime - who would throw his child to the wolves? On the other hand, to let him get away with it might be setting him on the road to sociopathy. The parents here would surely punish 'internally', within the family, placing family loyalty above truth.

It's a question of degree though, isn't it? What does the priest do about the confession of an intended murder? What does the mother do who knows her son is a rapist and will do it over and over, secure in the protection of his mother's silence?

This is not the sort of situation which Vox Day was referring to. He was referring instead to the sociopathic liar, the unmitigated, serial, career liar:

I don't know why, but over the years I have seen how it is extremely hard for normal people to understand how blatantly some individuals can lie to your face. I suspect that only those who have had the benefit of long-term proximity to one of these shameless and habitual liars can understand how completely meaningless words can be in the mouths of some individuals.

I'm not afraid to rely upon verbal assurances, but once it's become clear that there is a reliable gap between what an individual says and what he does, I simply apply that gap to future pronouncements. But, in the rare case of the sociopaths, whose statements bear no recognizable similarity to their actions, I pay no attention whatsoever to their words.

Here are some ways to detect a liar. Here is a good article on pathological and compulsive liars, excellent liars, practised and able to deliver with aplomb. Clinton, over Lewinsky, was and is such a person. Obama is another over his antecedents but he does it by getting others to lie for him. Here is the story of one of those liars. He lied blatantly, straight into the face of his questioner and would justify it as being in 'the national interest'.

Some types

1. The honest person usually only lies under duress and/or when a third party would suffer from the truth. He'll strategize and structure situations to avoid ever being in a situation where he might have to lie. If he is forced into a lie, it plays on his conscience and he might come back long after the urgency has passed and say, 'Look, I lied …' He has to either find closure on it or address the issue in general, non-accusatory terms with the person he's lied to.

2. The most common way people play down their lying is to make the distinction between White Lies, for a worthy cause and other lies. When told that they are still liars, nonetheless, they don't like that.

3. Another rationalization is the blatant, 'Look, I have a comfortable life with someone I love. I lie to protect our relationship because the truth would kill him and cause endless heartache.' Something like that.

4. Another is the, 'Look, everyone lies and I'm no different. Why pick on me?'

5. Then there is the CIA technique, commented on by Robert Redford in Three Days of the Condor:

Boy, what is it with you people? You think not getting caught in a lie is the same thing as telling the truth?

6. The eyes too. Also from Condor, the character Kathy says:

You have good eyes. Not kind, but… they don't lie, and they don't look away much, and they don't miss anything. I could use eyes like that.

7. Also, is deception lying? I had a friend who had a situation [and I'm thankful it wasn't mine] which he related to me. He'd agreed to meet this girl just after lunch. I understand they'd just become an item by this stage and so they were both, seemingly, naively trusting of one another. The only thing which wrecked it this day was her stupidity in not covering her tracks. He arrived, she went to get the coffee, he saw the used condom in the bin. End of relationship.

8. Is calling a woman's hair magnificent a lie? It can be when she is seeking the compliment about her beauty, he can't give it so he seizes on her best feature and compliments that.

9. Someone I know has an interesting approach to lying. He takes what the other person says and turns it back on the person who said it, expunging the guilt from his own mind and projecting it onto the other. If you were to say he blew up buildings, he'd turn round and accuse you of blowing up buildings, whilst not actually refuting the accusation.

10. Living a lie. Well we all do that to a greater or lesser extent, would you agree?

Why you should try not to lie

There was a girl I knew in Russia, genuinely called Natasha and we were just friends. She calmly told me she cheated on her boyfriend and felt nothing about it. I asked her how she could do that to someone and she replied that men do that to women all the time so why shouldn't she get some of her own back?

Confession time. Long ago, in days of yore, I was sure my partner had been seeing an old flame, I tried a hunch, found she had been and asked her point blank about it. She didn't rationalize it by saying he was just an old friend, she didn't say it was none of my business or not to be so jealous or any of the other tactics people employ on their partners. She just lied and said no, no she hadn't.

I was just as bad then as I walked out, called a lady whom I'd always had an understanding with and one thing led to another. In hindsight, I'm not sure my partner had got anywhere with her old flame although she could have done, maybe she poured her heart out knowing she was safe with him and could keep on the moral high ground. Who knows? Maybe they had it away. All I know is I definitely cheated and I still remember the phone ringing in the middle of it, which brought the congress to an end.

That was the end of it all. All the using, lying, cheating, short-changing of the other and it was the one I was cheating with who said, after that call, 'We're both using each other.'

The alternative

That's why I really think we should do anything not to lie. We can twist, turn, squirm, avoid, obfuscate, do anything but don't use, lie and cheat. There's no percentage in it and it really does degrade character after a time. It's not easy to tell the truth but for our own survival, so we don't become pathological liars, we need to practise opting for the truth. I found this article of interest:

When we face the situation of reporting an occurrence, we can tell the truth or we can lie. We can build up the habit of meeting such situations by telling the truth on all occasions. We can learn to follow the maxim "Tell the truth at all times, at all hazards." We can come to do this automatically, certainly, and without thought of doing anything else.

I don't mean we should be saints. We can't be, we're all flawed. Cohen put it well:

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

So did His Girl Friday.

Just as a serial murderer follows his first murder with another and it gets easier, soon becoming a habit, just as a first time liar tries it again then again, until it becomes a habit, so the opposite must also be true.

If you can develop a taste for the truth and your ego is large enough to survive the consequences of telling it, you can develop into a serial truth teller and even get a buzz from automatically slipping into the truth, rather than slipping into a lie.