[misanthropic curmudgeonry] test yourself

The doyen of British curmudgeonry, Victor Meldrew

While misanthropes express a general dislike for humanity on the whole, they can have normal relationships with specific individuals. Curmudgeons are hard to distinguish from misanthropes.

Test your curmudgeonliness level below. Score 4 for "that's me all right", 2 for "in some respects" and 0 for "nope, that ain't me":

Curmudgeons:

1 don't hate mankind [or women], just mankind's absurdities;

2 hide their vulnerability and niceness beneath a crust of misanthropy;

3 attack maudlinism because it devalues genuine sentiment;

4 not being equipped with a serviceable denial mechanism, have astute perception and sly wit;

5 are mockers and debunkers;

6 can't compromise their standards;

7 can't manage the suspension of disbelief necessary for feigned cheerfulness;

8 have an almost allergic reaction to injustice;

9 are sensitive to life's countless insults;

10 are classic outsiders;

11 instinctively distrust conventional wisdom and challenge authority;

12 are proudly and aggressively out of touch with pop culture or technology;

13 harbour no illusions;

14 think clearly;

15 howl against clichés, prizing originality;

16 use their brains without sentiment;

17 have a very low boiling point;

18 can't stand how consistently people refuse to face facts about issues;

19 try to have a sense of hope but are surrounded by people who are trying to take the wind out of their sails;

20 detest political correctness — the denying or softening of obvious truths in the interest of good will and harmony;

21 as they get older, sometimes actually mellow;

22 expect the worst, but keep on playing;

24 often live alone;

25 often do well one-on-one, if the other has intelligence.

[Jon Winokur, from whose unnecessarily wordy text I lifted this material, is the author of various books on curmudgeonry, including the bestselling Portable Curmudgeon (Penguin) and the recently published Traveling Curmudgeon (Sasquatch Books). He lives in California. Alone.]

To this, I would add that one would be almost frightened to come near a curmudgeon for fear of offending him.

Actually, nothing could be further from the truth - if you were concerned enough to care about such a thing, he'd love your company, he really would. Deep down he's a kindly soul and he'd make you as comfortable as possible and pour hospitality upon you as best he could.

His own inability to be effusive like others feels like a straightjacket to him. He'd really, really like, if only he could. But he can't. As I always say:

"I would if I could but I can't, so I won't."

The doyen of American curmudgeonry [right], H.L.Mencken