[at the café] where true natures are revealed

Most of us take a bit less than the going rate for our work but we do insist that, modest though it is, it is actually paid in full and on time. In Russia, 'next week' is no time at all.

Where it's more difficult is when people go out to a café or restaurant. Was there ever a showcase of people's true natures than in this situation? There seem to be twelve particularly virulent types, [there might be more], whom you need to be on the lookout for:

1] I get paid on Thursday

"Could you cover me for the moment and we'll settle up on Thursday?" Of course he's out of town next Thursday and anyway, he's counting on your gentlemanliness not to come looking for him.

2] Sensitive matter, man-to-man

Fact of the matter is - but promise next time I'll cover the lot [suggestion here is that this will come to far more than you're paying now]. He knows, of course, that there probably won't be a next time.

3] Damn, I must have left my wallet home

Oh-m-gd, where's my wallet? [Frantic searching under the coffee cup, in his cap, to no avail until someone puts him out of his misery, then a rejoinder using N1 or N2 above]

4] Not clear what's expected

He makes no attempt to reach for the wallet but fiddles round with the jacket and scarf or else just converses. When you finally reach for yours, it's: "Oh - you're picking up the tab this time? Are you sure?" Grateful smile.

5] Money bags

Rolling in money, or so he exudes, he only has outrageously large notes - way too much for the tip. Would you mind …?

6] Put it on plastic

A variant on 'money bags', in that he'll cover the tabs of everyone, plus the tips if you'll reimburse him your portion of the meal plus a contribution to the tip. He actually undertips on the plastic but you don't see that and he's not coming here again.

7] This meal was awful

During the dessert or coffee, he demands to see the manager. There seems to have been something wrong with every dish this evening. "Not up to your usual standards, Jacques. It happens."

8] Call of nature

Around the middle to end of dessert, nature beckons him away and he seems to be an inordinate amount of time in there. He reappears whilst everyone's robing, then drops into N1 or N2.

9] Hard luck story

During the meal, he explains how his flat was robbed, his wife left him and some muggers took everything he owned. "But I hope to be back on my feet sooner than you'd expect."

10] What did you just say to me?

The fight is picked sometime during dessert, causing him to pick up his coat and hat and storm out, brushing aside the anxious waitress.

11] Oh m-gd, I'd completely forgotten

Suddenly, unexpectedly, he remembers his appointment just before dessert. Slapping down a note on the table he says: "That'll cover it, all right? Sorry, people. See ya." Of course it nowhere near covers it.

12] It's on your tab

Another variant on the early exit but with no intention ever to see these people again. To the waiter, at the bar: "It's on Bob's tab - yeah, the corpulent one, two places from the end of the table, talking too much. OK? Must rush."

You know any of these?