[misconceptions] in praise of the older woman

On the day of the debate between Segie and Sarko, the concept of womanhood arises. As with us men, there are good and not so good. There are some real misconceptions as well.

I'd like to look at certain women and some of the misconceptions which surround them. I base this on experiences over the years, filtered through comments of others .

Misconception 1 Haughtiness is a good stance for a woman to take. There is definitely something in the female which wishes to lord it over all and sundry - from Lady Bracknell to the woman in the photo top left.

It's as if she's saying: "Look how expensive I am. Can you afford me? Don't you desire me?"

Well, no, actually. Not in the least. Good looking woman, to be sure but that haughty disdain for those around is not exactly seductive. I refer here to a type, not to Segolene.

Misconception 2 Young is always more desirable. Why? What has a 20 year old got which a 40 year old hasn't? Brittle psyche, inward looking acquisitiveness, the rawness of a life barely begun and less sense of proportion.

What has a 40 year old got which a 20 year old hasn't? Experienced, fuller loving, self-knowledge, sense of proportion, ability to paper up the cracks, more giving approach - "you get out of it what you put into it".

Misconception 3 Women have a "buy by" date. Once the first marriageable rush is over, the woman gets a second wind in the mid-thirties and is, in my humble opinion, at her sexiest and most powerful. Those who look after themselves like a Segie, I mean.

Then, in the late 30s/early 40s a certain resignation in dealing with life sets in and produces a more rounded person - often grown children occupy much of the time, husband and sometimes career occupy the rest.

In the 50s, it was Agatha Christie who commented that there was more felicity that side of the divide than she thought possible. There's nothing to prove and a certain good-naturedness comes into it which makes it so much easier to live with her plus her skills are at their most developed.

Misconception 4 Expensive = desirable. Well, actually, the opposite is true. The more she's going to cost, the less he wants and the more the eyes stray to someone a little younger, fresher and less demanding. One day she finds herself searching, alone, for the riches she's extolled for so long.

The trick is to look fabulous with what you have at hand - that's where the skill is.

Misconception 5 Nagging doesn't matter. There is a feeling amongst women that "nagging" doesn't really exist - it's just a male misunderstanding of her desire to improve him. Those shopping lists of his faults she likes to painstakingly go over, point by point, they cut no ice with any male.

If she continues it, the relationship ends. Within limits he should and can improve but after that it's flogging a dead horse and is so unfair. It's a one-way ticket to solitude.

Misconception 6 Large age differences work. I swear they don't. Physically, I'm told I act more like someone in the late 30s/early 40s but it's rubbish. There's a definite slowing of the metabolism and it's only really noticeable when up against a 22 year old girl.

The 22 year old sharpness, the alertness, the sudden and sustainable movement, the desire for action, the raw energy, the capacity for late nights, the concerns - these don't gel with the late 40 year old for whom his experience necessarily modifies his pace and his gait. There's only so long the mentor thing can be kept up for.

Misconception 7 Alone is infinitely preferable. Even if you think so, you are making changes, irreversible changes which you're too close to the action to see for yourself, beyond vague awareness. Self-sufficiency and resilience set in, a pet becomes easier to deal with than a cantankerous man, you get into the habit of aloneness.

You're not only more self-centred, you're also a little more selfish and intolerant. Something is missing but you don't recognize it. You have a great life, everyone respects, converses and enjoys your company, there are no disputes - surely it's better?

No it's not. You've lost the power to be at one with another human being. And somewhere inside is that very real need but it's been suppressed. In the end it's well nigh irreversible.

Misconception 8 It becomes too late in the end. Not always. My mother remarried late, as did my stepfather. They had issues. They were experienced enough to deal with them. Not perfectly but the respective families could see it was infinitely preferable to solitude, though they were both hard-pressed at times.

Not only does hope spring eternal [nice word - spring] but chances improve with age.