Wednesday, December 19, 2007

[commercialmas] fractal landscapes and escape

More than one girlfriend has concluded I'm s-o-o-o-o passive. One perspicacious wife said I was impossible to live with. Good - I like being impossible.

The high energy, high output level you see on this blog is no illusion but it's fragmented. The other 30% of the time I wish to do nothing and see nobody. I detest shopping of any kind and my mate's birthday/Christmas double is filling me with foreboding. And his woman wants me to come round there for a meal because she likes me and I know that means presents buying, whatever they say to the contrary.

Why would they want to bother with me?

There's a "fabulous" three level department store complex not 300 metres from me but I can't bring myself to enter that Palace of Glitz. I know I have to, to buy the gillette products we traditionally give one another but it's pressing on the brain.

Buying them is no problem. Entering that monstrosity is.


I put that down to my last girlfriend who forced me into every shop and boutique in the city more or less all day, every day. Nice negotiating those perfect breasts in boutique cubicles all day, every day but we could do that better at home. I detest shopping. And dancing. Sometimes dancing is good, in some cafe in the evening where there's a small floor and just her but the imperious dancefloor where everyone has to find a jostled piece of floor to face one another like Wyatt Earp at High Noon, wiggling one's appendages and pretending it's fun?

Where can I run to?


Enforcement is the problem. Well, in Higham's case, it's very real and it's getting worse. I have to go to Uni today - ugggh. I have to go to the Min. When I eventually get to both it'll no doubt be fine and we'll make the most of it but I don't want to.

Commercialmas is the pits and office parties are the direst of all - fine for young people who can only deal in externals, as someone famous said but well nigh soul destroying for someone with half a brain. And not only for the young. Was trapped some years back, tricked in fact, into something I'll never forgive that girlfriend for.

She knew about these things and insisted I come to the Big Do at her parent's place which would have been bearable if she'd been there but where was she when I punctually arrived and no one else was there?

She was in the city doing the rounds of parties, wasn't she?


Guests from the outlying reaches of the extended family [hers, not mine] started awkwardly arriving with their enforced smalltalk and after the first few vodkas, the direness really began. When the first tipsy pair of middle-aged shriekers got up to sway to the television music, that was the signal to leave.

About 22:30 she arrived. I glared, made my excuses to her mother and left. Enforcement and trickery. Two things I detest.

Yesterday the water didn't arrive. There were supposed to be two 19 litre bottles delivered and they didn't. Someone phoned mid-afternoon but wouldn't announce him or herself so I didn't speak on the other end. Happens all the time. So, no water. Did I phone to enquire? To complain? Not Higham - it happened, so it happened.

Now it appears they're terribly sorry and can they make it up to me today? The van broke down in traffic and the man could only get here outside the appointed time range. Could they deliver it today? No. I'm too busy. I'm working. My Wednesday girls want to come earlier tonight [I have two girls visit me every Wednesday evening for a few hours] but I'm going to phone and tell them I can't.

This is going to surprise those of you still reading this but I detest December 21st to 23rd, the winter solstice. Three things I detest. You know why? Because the days get longer after that and I love short days of five to six hours. I adore December 21st to 23rd for that reason. This is my time of year now and it's disappearing fast.

The snow fell yesterday and fell and fell. I adore it. Two things I adore, apart from the Holy Infant [had to get that in somehow] and a girl in my arms. Four things I adore. And nice food. Ach, I need a woman. But I can't go near one. If I do, the arms will be lovely and the lips a delight but she'll drag me round to parties and want to go last minute shopping and want to talk, talk, talk the whole time and introduce me to people.

All I want to do is to hold her and take her for a meal and spring pleasant surprises on her and get the urge to dance with only her and then to snuggle up while the snow falls outside and watch some video we've seen 200 times.

But she won't. She'll want to DO things, achieve things and complain about my passivity and buy huge amounts of pointless food [and shoes] but she can't get one ingredient she needs at this shop so we trawl all the shops in the city until I'm keeling over with weariness and she'll make us waste what little end of year money there is on irrelevancies. For guests we're never going to see again till next Commercialmas.

So, if I can't have a woman to keep warm [one of my specialities in the night] because of all the other baggage which goes with it, the only alternative is to shut off all the lights and telephone and hide. Everyone who invites me for a drink I'll profusely apologize and promise to see them in the New Year, which I shall.

Around January 7th, up will pop the Higham and he'll be raring to go, even to shop a little. [Well, on reflection - not to shop.] Uggh, it's all so depressing this season. Tell you what I really must do and I'm going to get off my butt and do it today or next week - I really must buy the wood at the Stroy-Mart [DIY] and build that little feed table for the birdies. The little dears have been visiting everyday, pecking about and hoping for a winter feed and I've done nothing about it yet. I feel s-o-o-o guilty. What delight that will be through the winter for all of us.

So, enjoy all your parties and bonhomie - I wouldn't wish to take it away from you for one second. Don't let me be a wet blanket in the back of your mind - think of it as a catalyst to determinedly party even harder and enjoy every minute of the Palaces of Glitz and clubs and the swirling mass of crowds you have to negotiate.

Why are there no available women who just like a quiet Christmas at home without presents of any note? Just one Gillette deodorant will do for me. Why can't I just go downstairs, not 300 away, find a nice pot plant to give her and why can't she be satisfied with that? [Well of course I'd no doubt add a number of other little things I'd know she'd love.] Why does it have to be The Expensive Present? The gold ring or some such? Isn't there a non-acquisitive woman anywhere on this deteriorating planet of ours? Are they all on the take? All the ones who come near me are. But there have to be some honeys somewhere. Why can't we just spend a set amount of Christmas money on each other instead of wasting it on acquaintances and going into hock? Why can't we just make love for a week and only go out to walk in the forest and across the square to the opera house in the falling snow to see Swan Lake or the Nutcracker and to pick up champagne and supplies and then pop our heads up above the snowscape on January 3rd?

With genetic engineering, we might be able to create such a woman. I think the model would sell like hotcakes, particularly to impossible men such as myself.

7 comments:

oestrebunny said...

All I want to do is to hold her and take her for a meal and spring pleasant surprises on her and get the urge to dance with only her and then to snuggle up while the snow falls outside and watch some video we've seen 200 times.

I would love that. This is not my favourite time of year either. I quite like buying things for people but I hate the Christmas crowds, the pressure of gift buying, the lights, the music and most of all the 'cheer'. None of it really means everything. Christmas parties are alright in moderation. I rarely go to them - except for this year when I went to my works.

Unfortunately though, I don't know anyone who would rather sit and watch a film, or go for an intimate meal.

sally in norfolk said...

Not a favorite time of year for me either... but I try my best for all the other people in my life... will be the first time in years that i will be spending Christmas with some very very special to me... as well as my boys too so maybe i will enjoy this year...
Have not been to one party :-)

Happy Christmas too you !!

Bretwalda Edwin-Higham said...

Ah, Oestrebunny - I'd love to take you out [though maybe not with the cuddles on the agenda]. I think we'd have a lot to do.

Good for you, Sally. Hope it will be wonderfully happy.

UBERMOUTH said...

You sound like me James. all I need for Xmas is a tree and lights ( and preferably snow). I love Christmas but it's sitting in the dark,doing naughty things under the tree that makes my Xmas.

Bretwalda Edwin-Higham said...

Yes, there's that aspect of it. But you'fre there and I'm here. :) Oh - you weren't referring to me - damn.

jmb said...

James, don't get yourself in a lather about it all. Let it wash over you like water on a duck's back.

After all you are the impossible male and it's the females who usually do all the work for Christmas.

Shopping is the pits, even for me. I do lots of it online now. Most people are happy with anything you give them,you know, especially men.

I never take my husband shopping if I can avoid it. I would never be able to buy anything because he always says you don't want or need that, meaning I don't want that or need that.

Don't worry, it will all soon be over. You'll survive.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Buy a plane ticket to Sicily, James!!!