Friday, April 27, 2007

[men & women] it takes hard work

Match.com ran an article a long time ago, well before my blogging days, rating the following as the things which a girl most wants from you:
# Listen

# Support

# Admire

# Pay attention

# Learn

# Grow

Finally, try to be the kind of person she would want to be with. Staying in shape, engaging her on emotional and intellectual levels and helping out are all tangible ways to let her know that she matters to you.

I would add these:

# being clean

# having a sense of purpose

Girls might add:

# no really bad habits, e.g. drugs

# confidence

Adele Horin, in the SMH, August 14 2002 said:

# Happy couples around the world were the ones who tended to put their relationship first. They had a strong sense of being a couple, while retaining their own identity. They looked after each other.

# Each partner compromised and adapted to please the other and was prepared to give more than they received. They were the president of each other's fan club.

# These marriages took effort and ongoing maintenance, but the couples did not regard it as a hard slog. Rather, they brought an attitude of goodwill to the compromises required.

# How couples handled inevitable conflicts was also crucial. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling spelt death for a marriage. Humour could defuse conflict and salve wounded egos.

# Couples married for 40 and 50 years worried that young people did not have the commitment needed to carry them through the hard times.

The themes which keep coming through, as far as I can see are working hard to keep the thing going,wanting to keep the thing going and perhaps the hardest - being reasonable to the other.

5 comments:

Ellee said...

I can tell you my experience from covering golden weddings as a cub reporter, they all said the same thing - you had to give and take.
My answer is usually : I give and he takes!!!!

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I would say, "Talk, talk talk" -and listen, of course. I like the AH article -"being president of each other's fan club". And humour is very important.

The Tin Drummer said...

Super post, James. It's the commitment thing - so many times you feel like walking away because it would be easy, but then you realise what you have is actually worth something - and it's a total waste as well as utterly disrespectful to yourself and your partner not to talk and, as WL says, listen.
Also it's about realising why you love someone and why they can be a pain sometimes and living with both of those things!

Wolfie said...

# Happy couples around the world were the ones who tended to put their relationship first. They had a strong sense of being a couple, while retaining their own identity. They looked after each other.

# Each partner compromised and adapted to please the other and was prepared to give more than they received. They were the president of each other's fan club.


Its our 2nd wedding anniversary tomorrow and it seems like we just got back from our honeymoon. Those two statements sum it up perfectly.

I have friends who have married, divorced and re-married in the same period but it doesn't look like they have learnt anything on the way.

james higham said...

Wolfie, it's definitely the way to go.

Tin Drummer, Welshcakes and Ellee - good points made by you here.