Read our super story, composed by us and ready for a publisher.
Below is the start of the story and you were asked to contribute one paragraph or two, of normal length, in order to keep the story running.
The Princess's Personal Problem
Once upon a time there was a handsome prince named Prancelot, with quite a reputation as a lady's man, multi-faceted sportsman, top lover and all round good guy. That was his reputation - the reality was a little different, as his offsider and valet was wont to tell them down at the Fox and Hounds.
Actually, there was a bit more to Prancelot's valet than met the eye and many was the time money would change hands late at night at the tradesman's entrance and the little sachet would be handed over.
Princess Floozy knew nothing of all this, of course. We'll come to her character by and by.
Anyway, there they were on the SS Cinatit, with assorted family and hangers-on, for the world cruise he'd promised her on the occasion of their honeymoon, Princess Floozy being quite far down the track in the family way, not that any one "noticed officially, of course.
Dot dot dot ........
UPDATE 19:43 - just realized I can't comment in comments as it would spoil the story but thanks so far.
And then the torpedo struck.
ReplyDeletedearieme,
ReplyDeleteoh, come on.....:)
And then the torpedo struck...but they all managed to swim to shore, safely...who could have sent such a missile to attempt to thwart the plans that such a union of kingdoms would make?
so they planned another cruise, one even better...they'd be da@*ned of they were going to let anyone get in their way...
The world cruise was to be a grand and glorious adventure to all the hot spots of glamour, fashion, and culture. Prince Prancelot was quite proud of himself for arranging it. Of course, his valet did all of the planning, arranging and managing, but the Prince was not above claiming all the congratulations for himself. The valet had ulterior motives for his outward and seemingly loyal devotion to the Prince, however; and, there was only one other person who knew of this secret.
So there they were on the top deck, (again), with all of kingdom cheering them off as the ship departed. Here he was Prince Prancelot with the Princess, the most beautiful lady in the kingdom, and she could sing a sweet melody; and she was his.
Quite a catch, not that it had anything to do with her daddy having millions, and that nice piece of lakeside property as her dowry. As much as they were jealous of his conquest, most all of the courtiers inwardly felt a tad sorry for the Prince. Certainly, the dowry, the connections, her beauty would offset some of her little idiosyncracies; not that anyone would openly admit to her having any.
I went over to the quoits deck bar and watched the happy couple. I ordered a heather-honey mead with missionary blood. The bartender started to make it.
ReplyDelete'No, no. None of that pansy mixing it with a bayonet, ' I said. 'Give it a good kicking.'
At last it was ready .
'Here you go, Mister?...'
'Sturluson,' I replied: 'Snorri Sturluson. '
'You're called Sturluson?' the barman said, incredulously.
'Alright, already, I admitted, 'It's really SturlusBAUM, but I'm trying to pass. What gave me away?'
'As T-shirt slogans go, "YOU CALL A CHICKEN PILLAGE?" is a dead give-away...'
'Step away from the bar and put your hands where I can see them,' said a cold, lethal voice I knew only too well. ' I have an accordion, and I'm not afraid to use it.'
"You'd use an accordion? Then you are no gentleman."
ReplyDelete"Of course I am not a gentleman; I pay my bills on time."
"Pay your bills? What sort of vibrant Viking are you?"
"You must have lost the thread - it's you that's the Viking, be you ever so gay. I'm from the Koala Liberation Front."
Koala Liberation Front? Nay, sir, you're not even a sir - for you are verily a lady.
ReplyDeleteWell, on second thoughts, you have aspirations towards ladyhood but carrying a koala on your shoulder, wrapped in a stoll will buy you nothing.
Not to put too fine a point on it - you are Princess Floozy in disguise but what this disguise should signify is beyond ...
Nay, what is inside that koala on your shoulder?
'A gentleman does not ask a lady to present her koala for inspection,you swine!' Spat Lady Floozy who then whispered 'but as you are no gentleman nor I a lady, I shall give you a glimpse of what I have in store for Prince Prancelot on our wedding night'.
ReplyDeleteAnd to the dark corner she dragged the valet where she laid bare her koala with a flourish and a smug, self-satisfied smirk.
' My Lord!' exclaimed the valet ' Is that really what my eyes behold? Why it's a....'
"Why whisky, of course, don't you keep an emergency flask in your Koala?"
ReplyDelete"Oh, sorry, that's not a koala, that's a sporran, and that's not your shoulder..."
Suddenly there was a crash, chairs, tables, dishes flying everywhere, people screaming to get out of the way...what is it? I cannot see, the koala is in the way...
The Koala is in the way! The Koala is in the way! Scarcely did such a thought flash through my mind than I realised that the glass had broken- the waves had rocked the boat and the shards had flown through into the koala's eyes. Blood spurted down the creatures face- the princess cried out and two of Prince Prancealot's lackeys (used to all sorts of bar fighting) appeared looking menacing, holding truncheons.
ReplyDeleteSlowly it dawned on the Prince, lying crumpled in the corner: "It's Clubfoot, my valet - it's all his fault."
ReplyDeleteHe shuffled across towards the form splattered against the other wall, a lifeless form.
"It's your bloody drug dealing again," the Prince laughed, weakly. But it was too late too admonish. The baton wielding thugs took one arm each and hauled the prince out of the dining area, down the companionway, out the back of the ship, where a black pod perched menacingly, if not elegantly, on it's delicate tripod feet.
"Whatcha doin' wif me?" the Prince squeaked, struggling against the vice-like, metallic grip on his arms.
A grunt was all he received in reply.
"But I don't want an American soldier" he said.
ReplyDelete"Wotcha want, then, Princey?" the voice sneered.
"A glass of nicely chilled Hunter Valley Semillon would be just the ticket."
"Oh well I'll have one of our koalas bring you one, your Royal Highness."
"Koalas again", mused the Prince. "Vot is on goingk?" he further mused, but this time in his ancestral accent. "I a rat smell". But it was only a koala.
Koalas again?! Yes, indeed, the Koala Liberation Front. No doubt they were responsible for them that sent the torpedo.
ReplyDeleteWe must act, the Prince thought through the haze of having imbibed too much Hunter Valley Semillon.
Where's my military and political advisors?
They're in the tearoom, Highness, being held against their will by Princess Floozy's Ladies-in-waiting.
What?
"Then where is Floozy?" the Prince demanded of his android guards, as they bundled him into the pod and it took off without any further ado, just as the torpedoes struck the starboard side and the ionosphere lit up.
ReplyDelete"Wh-where are we going?" stuttered the startled star of the royal family but just at that moment, Floozy apepared form the rear of the pod and she was totally transformed ......
"Time for another glass of Semillon" he muttered, faintly, as his heart's desire morphed into, first, Mad Donna, and then, Pish Spoce. "What has become of my one true love, and why am I being confronted by these harpies?" he wondered.
ReplyDelete"You ain't seen nothing yet, honey" she said, before morphing into Heather Mills and hopping menacingly towards him.
This left him stumped,how much have you had to drink he said, you look legless.I just want my floozy back.She spoke in a strange tongue,
ReplyDeleteI've never been to Sunderland like
wot are ya gannan on aboot.
So they thought "bugger this for a game of soldiers", bought Newcastle United and lived happily ever after.
ReplyDeleteTHE END.
Coming next: "Le Retour des Koalas Sauvage". Un film gris.
Dearieme has now spoken and there's an end on't.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the contributions, folks. So, d'ya think we'll get a book deal for this one?