[valentine’s weekend] sweet message for all

On the Valentines weekend just passed, regulars might reasonably expect here a right old bashing of the rabid feminist and her misandropic [misandric?] weapon, the CSA but I’m not going to be drawn.

Rather, it would be nicer to look at a resurgence of the old values, including chivalry.

A feminist said to me a year or so ago that my values are the values of yesteryear, inappropriate [now I paraphrase, to be honest] in her brave new positive discrimination world.


Misogyny

On the other hand, I’m equally against woman-bashing.

A fellow male blogger took me to task, some time back, for defending women against a net-predator, stating what is undoubtedly true: ‘Women are well able to take care of themselves.’ I think he means, in this grasping age, where women are taking all they can get and to hell with the consequences.

All of the above plays to the destructive breakdown in the ties that bind men and women. Even in supposedly sane relationships, which are meant to constitute the majority, these destructive tendencies are there, simmering below the surface but hopefully never breaking out into a malignant growth.

‘Don’t you oppress me! I’ve got rights, you know.’

It takes either a very special kind of man and woman, in today’s society or else it takes that little thing called love, to overcome the accumulated stockpile of petty and not so petty grievances between the sexes and to reassert the long forgotten mantra [from the male point of view]:

Women are absolute honeys, I adore them and a certain amount of their perspective on life, there’s no substitute for a good woman beside you in bed [beats Mrs. Palm any day], thank G-d enough people out there still fall in love and want to live their life with a woman and make her happy. Can you really imagine how dire life would be without them in the vicinity?

[Editor’s note - it would be quieter, for a start.]

Ssssh, I’m on a roll here. Now, where was I?


Yes, let’s get back to the age of chivalry and to hell with all the party-pooping, wet blanket arguments against it.

I walk around [cycle around now], positively trying to look for an old lady to force across the road against her will; I look for seats to sit on so that I can stand up when a gum-chewing, chain-smoking, foul-mouthed young harpie in caked-on mascara, whom I insist on calling a lady, comes along and glares at me.

I want to soften her heart, as Ford Prefect did in praising the Vogon poetry and …

No, I’m off on the wrong track there again. It’s so easy to fall into misogynist ways these days, isn’t it? Don’t fall into the trap, gentlemen.

Instead, ignore all that and just subscribe to Michael Bucci’s simple principles of etiquette from AskMen.com:

Always be polite

Even if you don't like someone, there is no need to lower yourself to his level. Be polite and courteous; show that you're the better man.

Never swear

Swearing is a big no-no. It shows that you don't have the vocabulary to express your thoughts appropriately. Furthermore, it is always very crude and impolite to curse.

Do not speak loudly

When you speak loudly, it raises the stress level among company. It always implies that you can't reason with people and rely on "brute force" to get your point across. It also draws attention; negative attention.

Do not lose your temper

When you lose your temper, you are showing everyone that you can't control your emotions. If you can't even control yourself, then how can you possibly control anything else? Keep your cool at all times (it won't be easy but it is worth the effort) and people will take positive note of your level-headedness.

Do not stare

Ogling at someone is the equivalent of psychological aggression. You don't want to intimidate people for no reason.

Never interrupt

Let people finish what they are saying before adding in your comments. Interrupting others is a sign of poor etiquette and a lack of social skills. If you want to come across as egotistical, you can do so by constantly interrupting.

Do not spit

A lot of men do this almost subconsciously. Spitting is very crude and not too pretty to look at. Do not spit in public unless you want to look like you were raised in a sewer.

Respect your elders

In fact, you should respect others as you would like them to respect you. I am specifying elders because it seems that today, young men think they know it all. Well, we don't. Just think of yourself 5 years ago... you're much smarter and experienced today aren't you? Of course, yet you thought you knew it all 5 years ago.


Never laugh at others' mistakes

This is perhaps one of the cruellest things one can do. When you mess up, the last thing you want is for someone not only to bring it to your attention but to ridicule you on top of it all.

Remove your hat indoors

This rule seems to have gone out the window these days. You should remove your headwear upon entering a building. Furthermore, never keep your hat on while at the dinner table. It reflects very poor etiquette.

Wait for seating before eating

When sitting down for a meal, you should wait until all the guests are properly seated and ready to commence the meal before eating. Everyone should start dining at the same time. This is a subtle but very important rule.

Always open doors

This is perhaps the most basic rule of male etiquette out there. It is also one of the easiest to follow so you have no reason to forget it. Whether she is about to enter your car, restaurant, club, or anyplace with a door, you should always hold it open. If there are many doors, then hold them open one after the other.

[Editor’s note – if she still insists on opening the door by herself, give her a quick hip and shoulder rugby bump to one side and while she’s still stunned, open the door and usher her through.]

Coat please

Always help a lady put on her coat or overgarment. This is a simple but powerful thing to do.

[Editor’s note – right, if it’s good enough to undress her, in order to carry out your unspeakable practices on her, it’s good enough to dress her up again.]

Help with her seat

If an unaccompanied lady is sitting next to you, it is important that you help her be seated by pulling her chair out for her and gently pushing it back into place, with the lady seated of course.

[Editor’s note – don’t even think about what just crossed your mind. Don’t entertain the idea for even one second of playing the missing chair trick, as she plonks her curvaceous behind onto empty space.]

Take my seat

If a lady arrives at the table and there are no available seats, you should stand up and offer your seat to her.

Is this yours?

If a woman drops something, a gentleman (yourself of course) should pick it up and return the object to her.

Stand at attention

Always stand when a lady enters or exits the room. This rule has been somewhat relaxed, so you can stand upon entrance but remain seated upon exit. Nonetheless, if you can do both, you should.

[Editor’s note – why stop there? Every time she gets up to go to the toilet or to get a cup of tea, stand up for her and head her off at the door, which you can now open, replete with obsequious grin.]

Take my arm, I beg of you

When escorting a lady (that you know) to and from social events, you should offer her your arm. This is a little more intimate, but serves well when walking on uneven ground -- especially if she's wearing heels.

[Editor’s note – keeps you upright too when you’ve had one over the limit.]

Can I get you something?

This is one that most guys already do, but helps complete the gentleman in all of us nevertheless. When at social events, make sure to ask the lady if you can get her something to drink (or eat, depending on the event). Show her that you care about her comfort and needs.

[Editor’s note – I don’t go to social events so I save a lot of money that way.]

[James Higham’s disclaimer- the editor’s notes above have been written by an impostor whilst I was caught up in a bit of Valentine’s bondage. Now I’m free, I can assure you she’s been soundly spanked.]


Conclusion

[The real James Higham’s conclusion]

Gentle reader, even if you feel that chivalry and it’s handmaiden, etiquette, are not for you, give them a try anyway. They can grow on you and the bit of light you bring into a lady’s world compensates for any deficiencies in your sexual propensities.

No, I mean that it’s a very good thing to do and makes everyone happy.

That’s what I was trying to say.

Happy Valentine’s weekend for next year.