[haute couture] of a topical yet practical nature

Just flicking through the haute couture, as one is want to do on a post-halloween, pre-election weekend and came up with the headgear to the left here.

An eminently practical number, this would require a voiture with adequate headroom, say a Bentley or similar and would be more suited to a shorter woman, say around 150 cm. A London taxi would do the trick, of course.

For use at the call centre phone or in a business meeting, some form of curtain-tie would be necessary to hold the grassy bits up out of the eyes but the beauty of this hat is that it does not intefere with the ears and thus phone answering would not be impaired.

Note the muted colours and absence of anything actually spectacular or daring in the below neck area. This is French couture down to a T - only one extravagant item at any one time.

Perhaps a floral stoll could be designed though to compliment the number for these chilly days or failing that, a floral wreath or two could be pressed into service.

Yes, I know what you are saying - that outfit is far too "green" and de rigeur. It hardly takes into account the current fashion for all things African and third world. To address these concerns, the number below right has been designed to re-create the "peasant in the fields at harvest time" effect.

Can't you see yourself now, sashaying down the footpath with oomph and elegance, sporting third world, emerging economy chic that grabs everybody’s attention?

Who needs the ultra glamorous layered look, when you are just so politically correct in this tribute to global sustainability?

And just look at those carbon footprints!

If you're one of those unfortunates of a Caucasian complexion, this shouldn't pose insurmountable problems. A week or two of the yellow tanning oil should produce the desired effect but I'd be more concerned with the conversational limitations - a few turns of the head and someone is whacked over the mush something awful, particularly if you are 150 cm tall.

The appropriate response is tailor made: "Are you oppressing me?"