Friday, October 24, 2008

[the real ubermouth] little known facts


The fearsome reputation of the Ubertunes-playing nemesis of naughty people belies her early start to life:

One day whilst walking the one mile to school after a rainy night, I noticed that there was an earthworm on the road. Worried that it might get run over, I bent to pick it up and safely put it on the grassy verge.

But then there was another. And another. There were f*cking millions of them all wriggling dangerously in the road!

I got to school somewhere around 11:00 only to have to explain why I was late.

Carrie had nothing on Uber in her teenage years:

The girls would all talk about their boyfriends who they hoped to marry ( at 15!) I had yet to be kissed properly.Not saying I was a prude BUT I closed my eyes when I showered so I didn't see nudity- MY OWN! Funny, how after 30 ,you revert back to that.

Later in life, after various vicissitudes, she found an idyll of solitude:

We have a 7 acre private wildlife sanctuary my mother created in one of the fields. She feeds all the animals and harbours them from the neighbouring KILLERS, who illegally hunt them if they stray onto their properties. We have everything from pheasants and deer to rabbits,badgers and foxes to name a few.

It's not all roses though, especially where culinary differences crop up:

Mum:"Would you like a banana?"

Me( not being a monkey and all) " No, thank you. I don't like bananas"

Mum: " Go on, have a banana"

ME: " Mum! I just told you,I HATE bananas."

Mum: "Really? I love bananas" ( her being a monkey and all).

We go through this ritual EVERY single time she eats a banana- which is ALL the time!

So now we're approaching Christmas but Uber has a warning for you, as a public service, to save you before you invite someone dangerous down your chimney:

[Santa] is overweight, clearly exploiting Mrs. Claus's domesticity. He is a slave driver of vertically challenged people (okay! Midgets!) who are hardly top runners in the employment stakes. He is constantly doing B and E's all over the world( but why is he not on any frigging naughty list?)

He keeps secret files on all of us. He is quite the dictator in his unilateral decisions pertaining to what list we are relegated to. He doesn't even answer his mail! How rude!

No wonder he wears RED!

Remember, Ubermouth is only dangerous around a nest of vipers - her cloak then turns bright vermillion, her nutter-hypocrite detecting antennae twirl round at amazing speed and it might not be a good idea to cross swords - Lilith has nothing on her.

With humans though, she's a true friend, warm and fuzzy with a voice of honey and a penchant for saving defenceless earthworms and other oppressed creatures.

4 comments:

UBERMOUTH said...

James,
I am so truly touched.And grateful that you didn't mention my ugly ,kilt wearing, Pipi Longstocking days.

I will say it again, it's a SIN that you do not write professionally.

* Thank God I changed my av* :)

xo

James Higham said...

Aw, shucks!

Dragonstar said...

Brilliant! Don't much fancy that spider though.

Anonymous said...

Where is that spider going?