Monday, August 25, 2008

[bank holiday] the long-suffering heroes return

The scene – the Olympic plane lands, the gangway is rolled over and the athletes are rudely torn from their bag collecting and last drinks to line up in formation, attractively arranged down the steps.

Fiona Fatwah [BBC]: Andrew and Sally, come over here please. Well, I’ve simply run out of superlatives. What can I say?

Andrew: Er … I don’t know.

Fiona [recovering her composure]: Well Sally, when you were about to step up onto that podium, how did you feel?

Sally: Awful. I never wanted that medal; I wanted the gold - I could have scratched her bitchy eyes out.

Fiona: Andrew, how did you feel when you won that gold?

Andrew: Sick in my stomach, Fiona. Never wanted that gold.

Fiona: How was the flight back? How would you describe it?

Sally: Ah, there were these three seats, you see and there was a stain on the antimacassar in front of me and I read the in flight magazine twice and had a g&t.

Andrew: Mine was a Carlings.

Fiona: Well guys, do you have a message for the teeming millions watching this because there’s nowt else to do this bank holiday Monday except extend the Olympic fix as long as we can through interviews like this?

Sally: Yes, Fiona – we’d just like to thank everyone and see you in 2012, guys.

[They rush for the team bus which takes off, the camera lovingly trained on the exhaust pipe disappearing round the corner.]

Fiona: And now we cross live to the team reception where Emma Hamilton is awaiting to ambush the luckless athletes.

Emma: And here comes the team bus now. Let me call over Andrew and Sally. Hi guys. Oh gosh, what can I say to you that hasn’t already been said a thousand times already?

Andrew: I have not the shadow of a clue.

Emma: How was the bus trip back from the aeroplane? How would you describe it?

Andrew: Sally, you do this.

Sally: Ah, there were these three seats, you see and there was a stain on Andrew’s uniform in front of me and I and couldn’t get a g&t.

Andrew: I couldn’t get a Carlings.

Emma: Well guys, do you have a message for the teeming millions watching this because there’s nowt else to do this bank holiday Monday except create a feel-good factor as a buffer against the cries of outrage at the £10 billion bill for 2012?

Andrew and Sally: Er … ah … [rush inside for the reception].

Emma [turning to the camera crew]: What did I say? What did I say?

Must I wear shades too?

No comments: